Preface:

Preface: 

 Most of us already know that when we drink soda, we can start a caffeine/sugar crash cycle. The sugar rush produces a temporary high, but when the stimulation wears off, we seek a never ending repetition of that buzz. This book is written on the theory that “self help” books produce a similar cycle. This book is for self help, but is intended to break that cycle. Most audiences can benefit from one area or another, but it is not intended as an ephemeral euphoria. Rather, the satisfaction of a balanced meal, prepared by someone else, who has already counted all the calories. As such, humor will be the salt that seasons the various chapters, but you are expected to eat your vegetables... it's not a Vegas Dessert Buffet.  

Ethan and Emma Teach Dating.

Chapter One: How to fish:

A young man was out in the wilderness, and starving. As he stumbled along he came upon an old man sitting by the lake, chewing on a leathery piece of jerky. The young man was famished, and asked the old man, “Are there fish in the lake?”

“Oh yes, lots of them.”

“Well, do you not know how to fish?”

“Oh yes, I certainly do!”

“Well are we lacking a hook?”

“Oh no, I have bait and tackle, and all you could want over there in my cabin.”

“So why are you chewing on that leathery piece of jerky, when you could be feasting on fresh fish?” asked the young man.

“Well,” replied the old man, “There is a reason, if you really want to know.”

The young man assured him he was dying for some fish, and really wanted to know. “When I was a young man, I came upon a parchment, telling you how to fish. It specified exactly the hook to use, exactly the bait to use, exactly how heavy a line, and what color. Not only this, but it explained the best weather, the ideal time of day, and just where in the lake to put down a line. It told where the best logs were that the fish use for cover, and the best backwaters. It showed how to fillet the fish, and what kind of fire to cook it over. So I took the advice, and began to fish.”

“Well, did you catch anything?” came the query.

“Not only did I catch fish, I caught them all over the place. I caught 5 and 6 an hour. I had so many fish I didn’t know what to do with them all.”

“So you’re trying to tell me you’re sick of fish, is that it?”

“On the contrary, I love a good Striper, but with this parchment, all I ever caught were Carp”

Moral:

If we don’t like the fish we are catching, should we

A: Learn to like the kind of fish we have been catching?

B: Learn to fish differently?

We want to understand that in the analysis, the opposite sex is the fish, and each of us as an individual is fishing for a lasting relationship.

Leaving aside that a really hungry person will simply get a net (and ladies, fishnet's WILL do it for a one night stand,) most of us are willing to play a numbers game to a degree, with the incentive of stability and happiness as our final destination.

Chapter Two: What step am I ready for?

The problem with categorizing everyone is that it leads to pigeon hole thinking. B.F Skinner was the father of Behavioral Psychology. He used an apparatus called a Skinner Box to train animals. Rather than try to stuff you in a Skinner Box, I'll assert that as we mature we go through more than one stage of development. I will not pretend to offer an exhaustive list, but rather list as many as I can account for, and agree that people at large try them in the order that they think of them, not in some programmatic tier system.

Lastly, there is no final state or “box” of maturity, so that anyone can just jump to the end, and be instantly mature. This book is to help us all think more clearly about the problems we face at our various levels of development.

Chapter Three: Copycat Identity.

We all usually start off agreeing with some form of peer pressure. Whether the influence of our chosen peer group is beneficial or destructive, we start off using someone else's value system. Use drugs, rebel, conform, lead, follow, doctors, lawyers, politicians, plumbers, we all start off seeking to experimentally verify where we are happiest. So consider this set first:

Let's contrive a very unlikely example. Ethan sees that Emma is very beautiful. Finding that the object of her affection is the President of the Chess club, Ethan joins the Chess club, reads Kasparov, competes like a demon, and wins the county Chess King tournament. His over-awed peers elect him President of the Chess Club. Emma, being predictable, because this is just an example, succumbs to his advances and we have Nirvana – Boy gets Girl. I know we are all laughing, but this is the stylized result that Ethan envisions. The point we all miss is that the kiss at the end of the movie is only the start of the relationship. Up to this point, Ethan had a goal: Become President of the Chess Club/Win Emma's affections.

Consider Ethan's situation first: Victorious though he may be, he is automatically insecure. Even in this ideal world, he is not going to become World Chess King. Worse yet, he doesn't WANT to. He finds that Emma is in love with someone he is not, and as beautiful as Emma is, he discovers that he is not in love with who she is. She has become a trophy. He loses county Chess King next time around, and Emma discovers that he is mortally fallible.

And what of Emma's part? She cannot believe that she has been “deceived” by a man who claims to be a Chess Champion, but all he ever really wanted to be was a Vet! It is academic who dumps who.

Consider what opinions of the opposite sex have been re-enforced. Ethan has “learned” that there is no point changing to please a girl. He has “learned” that “All Girls” don't love you for who you are. Emma has “learned” “All Men” will do anything as long as they are in pursuit, but don't really want to be “in a relationship.” Furthermore, “All Men” want her only for her looks.

This would be bad enough if Ethan and Emma met their ideal mate the very next time they ventured “out there.” BUT when Cameron shows up to try and win Emma's affections, he has a very negative stereotype to overcome. Neither is Ethan particularly kind to Harper. Harper loves animals, and thinks Vets are the unsung heroes of the New Millennium. Ethan thinks it's an act, and is skeptical. Harper feels like he doesn't trust her, and therefore doesn't love her. Harper finally concludes that he is more in love with her looks than her character and although he really thinks she's prettier than Emma, it ends up not mattering.

The point is this: Preconceptions are self fulfilling. Multiply this out by many years, and factor in that relationships are less commonplace than Untested Crushes, (these last remaining unchallenged by reality,) and it is a marvel that Cross-Gender relations, (admittedly bad,) are not worse to than they actually are.

Recapitulating, we recall that Ethan modified his identity to obtain Emma's affections.  

Chapter Four: The Unique Identifier.

Imagine, instead, that we start off determining that we will be completely unique, and similar to no one. One aspect of this is dress. Mohawk haircuts, tattoos, piercings and the grunge look have been past manifestations of this kind of “counter culture.” This can result in a person seeking out odd talents, or pursuing excellence in arcane fields, all in an attempt to have an identity that cannot be compromised. Implied by this choice, is the good observation that “looks” are not everything, and one should not be judged strictly by outward appearances.

Let's say that Ethan has become this unique character, and Emma is attracted. If she is from a conformist peer group, her hopes are doomed. But if she is equally individual, Ethan and Emma are threatened by paradox. They have unique appearance and identity in common. Although they are individual, they have individuality in common. They form a peer group of two! Unfortunately this may be the ONLY thing they have in common. Attempts to maintain identity end up offending all compromise, and any relationship cannot last. They cannot be “together” and “distinct” at the same time.

Chapter Five: Identity and Predictability, Nature versus Nurture.

This should lead naturally into a discussion of “What exactly make's someone unique?” Unique has been so overused in the media that it is now commonly used as a comparative. Yet people are no more identical than fingerprints. How can we resolve this, with apparent similarities, and occasional copy-cat behavior? Consider that, from birth, our character is the accumulation of our decisions or choices. If a parent disciplines us, and we agree, then we begin to implement that decision in our own affairs. If we disagree, we resolve never to discipline our own children in that way. How to drive, what to eat, where to go, with whom to associate, when to act: The “whys” of how we do things. I learned from a psychiatrist that this is how we build our “sense of self.” This actually addresses the age old question of Nature versus Nurture is a unique way.

If the combinations and permutations of these were not enough, we change our minds at intervals that, while not random from the point of view of stimulus, are not readily predictable by any pattern. For example, “I'm sick of blue sweaters. Blue is no longer my favorite color!” When these things are taken into consideration, even “GI Joes,” military personnel who all wear size 10 shoes, and have names starting with “N” are still different enough in personality that it boggles the mind. We are all very different. Why do we feel like we are the same?

A more interesting question we could ask is this: “Do I mind being predictable?” Most of us just can't stand it. Some of us don't care that much, but they are in the minority. The Chairman of the Federal Reserve is at pains to be predictable so that the Stock Market doesn't do anything crazy. And yet no one on Wall Street would presume to predict what color his socks will be on any given day.

The flip side to that coin is that militarily the element of surprise is invaluable. We carry this over into everyday life in small ways: We think “If you don't know what I'm going to say, then I can win an argument.” If no one knows how I am going to spend my money then I should be able to get a better deal. Are these things really true?

Surprisingly enough, mostly NO! If you agreed instantly, I would not need to say “surprisingly!” However: If you know what I am going to say, you needn't ask.

If enough people buy VW Beetles, VW beetles are dirt cheap. Not very individual, but still dirt cheap.

If being predictable works out well for us, why are we at such pains to be different?  

Chapter Six: Predicting Vs Predictability

To understand why we do not want to be “predictable” we can usefully investigate our own ability to predict. What if you could predict what the questions on next week's Biology test would be? What if you could predict when Zebras would be on sale in South Africa? What if you could predict who would win the NBA finals? What if you could predict where a lost child would be found?

Clearly this predicting stuff is great... we need to bottle this stuff and sell it! There is a flawed logic that says: If predicting others is good for me and gives me an edge/advantage, then being predicted by others must not be good for me.

Let's think it through: If students can predict questions on a test, it defeats the purpose of testing. In reality, if you know the material, any set of questions is OK. The teacher is just spot checking you. Secretly the teacher wants you to do well, she just doesn't want you to cheat. If you know when Zebras will be on sale, you will show up exactly then, and I can't sell them for as much. In point of fact, you can get the best price on Zebras right around Christmas time... they make lousy Christmas presents, and Zoos are not much patronized at that time of year. If you could predict who would win the NBA finals, everyone could predict it. There would be no point in gambling on it. As for predicting where a lost child would be found? The child is not bent on being un-predictable – that would be hiding. This child is lost and if he were predictable, he would benefit tremendously by being found.

Having established then that predictability is not all bad, it remains the case that most of us dislike our character being anticipated. Why don't we like it?

Calling for a trumpet flourish and a drum roll...

People do not like to be predicted because they think it makes them look simple.

I didn't capitalize it because I wanted you to read the other stuff, not just skip down to this part. But it's IMPORTANT, so I decided to put it in it's own paragraph. Keep in mind that even stupid people are complicated. But we – and please pay attention to my word - “ASSOCIATE” simplicity with stupidity. The aforementioned Chairman of the Federal Reserve is certainly not stupid. He is taking many factors into account, and carefully weighing many possible outcomes. And yet careful observation has shown, that if he carries two brief cases to his nig meeting, interest rates are going up!

Chapter Seven: Back to Ethan and Emma.

Reviewing, we talked about what happens to Ethan and Emma, if Ethan employs copy-cat behavior, in winning her affections. Now we will surmise about what happens if he tries to be absolutely unique. You will recall that Emma was in love with the President of the Chess Club when Ethan determined that he wanted to be her sweetheart.

Having wisely avoided a Mohawk haircut, he has put on his best shirt and tie, and walks up to her and blurts out, “I want to be a world class marine Biologist, and study Evolution on Komodo Island. Will you go bowling with me on Friday night?”

Emma takes one look at him and evaluates him as a predictable simpleton, and says “No thanks. Ask somebody else.”

Ethan is shattered, and glumly proceeds to drown his sorrows in Grape Nehi, bewailing the injustice of how “All Women” treat “All Men.” As far as Ethan is concerned, this is utter failure, and the very worst thing that could have happened. In reality, going by our previous example, Ethan has saved months of time and a broken heart, and has ended up with exactly the same result. He now knows that Emma isn't interested, at this time. This is the best thing that could have happened to Ethan, as long as he is still a friendly person when Harper comes along.

Looking back over our “disaster,” we see that Ethan certainly did not sell himself short, but embellished the truth a little. He doesn't want to study Evolution on Komodo Island any more than he wants to be World Chess Champion! It is simply the highest possible goal of a Vet's career.

Meanwhile Emma didn't really make out like a bandit: (she stole no hearts today.) The Chess Club President hasn't asked her out yet, and she missed out on a chance to honestly evaluate if she likes Ethan at all. Double entendre if you must. As far as she can see, All Chess Club Presidents never ask anyone out!

Chapter Eight: All and Never!

So far, we have made some natural and commonly occurring observations intentionally, because they are natural, and occur commonly, BUT THEY ARE WRONG.

Every time so far that Ethan or Emma have made a conclusion about the opposite sex, they have concluded this to be true for ALL OF THEM! Looking back to a moment ago, Chess Club Presidents never ask ANYONE out. What happens then if he asks Harper out? Then it's even worse, and Harper is her sworn enemy, presumably because she exists only to steal ALL Chess Club Presidents away from Emma.

To remind you, Harper thinks Vets are the Unsung Heroes of the New Millennium, and only accepted a date with the Chess Club President because she didn't know Ethan.

Chapter Nine: Harper and the Chess Club President.

Let's contrive another very unlikely example: Harper's heart has NEVER been broken, and the Chess Club President plays ALL his cards right. They share a perfect candle lit dinner at McDonald's and discuss world affairs, and the way the third lane at the bowling alley tends to curve left, making it easier to get strikes.

In an unguarded moment he shares with her his secret passion for Computer Network Interface Cards, and how he wants to eventually become the sole provider of Network Interface Cards on the West Coast, including Silicon Valley in the South, and Microsoft in Seattle, Washington, in the North. Well, this presents Harper with a terrible dilemma. How does she let him down easy?

Fortunately for us, this example is unlikely and contrived: Harper is hit with a brainstorm. She is honest with Mr. Chess Club President, in the following fashion. She tells him that he has been nicer to her than any Chess Club President ever before, and she had a perfectly wonderful time at McDonald's, but Network Interface Cards mean absolutely nothing to her. She would rather watch baby Alligators break out of their shell at the Zoo, and give immunization shots to the Rocky Mountain Billy Goats. BUT she doesn't quit there. She gives him her REAL telephone number, safe in supposing he probably won't use it, and tells him it would be fun to get together now and then, but not seriously. She kisses him goodnight, and is pleasantly surprised to find that he doesn't smoke. End of Example.

In real life, a Chess Club President would probably be her slave for life at this point. 15 years from now, when she needs 50,000 NIC cards for all the Zoos in Africa where she is working as head Zoologist, he will move heaven and earth to have them there for her at bottom dollar.

But allowing for the pitiful dating life of the average Chess Club President, Harper's problem is about to become very thorny indeed. He DOES use the phone number. REPEATEDLY. Every time he can't get a date, she is his under-valued fall back. Ethan doesn't know it isn't serious, and she becomes “marked territory.” The Chess Club President becomes a sort of “Dating nightmare” to Harper. This is a terrible situation for Harper, but also not the desired result for the Chess Club President. If he doesn't move on, he'll never find out if Emma deeply yearns for a future Network Card King, and time isn't waiting for either of them. To his great misfortune, Cameron, who is the Captain of the Football Team, makes his move on Emma while Ethan is otherwise occupied.

Up to this point, let's just be sorry for Harper, and remember that she has been a perfect friend to everybody so far.  

Chapter Ten: Cameron and Emma:

Cameron is the Captain of the football team. Emma is free to date, as Chess Club Man is otherwise occupied, and being the savvy operator that he is, he makes his move.

Keep in mind that this example is just as contrived as the others: Emma is flattered that this strapping example of youth admires her, and accepts the date. Tuesday comes, (Friday night is game night,) and she dresses to impress.

Worldly wise, he kisses her hello, and she is disappointed to observe that he smokes. The first date is to a movie. No messy conversation. No pussy footing around, his hand starts out half-way down her thigh, and isn't migrating toward her knee. She holds his hand in her lap with both of hers, and loses all appreciation for the movie.

Now at this point, half of us are thinking she needs to begin emergency measures to regain boundaries. And others of us (those who are not yet parents,) are saying “What's keeping her knees from parting imperceptibly?”

Those of the former, less popular contingent have correctly anticipated that no matter what happens here and now, making less happen next time is like playing pick-up sticks with a wet noodle.

Chapter Eleven: SEX!

If trying to make heads or tails of sex relations is like taking the SATs, then trying to keep a level head while having sex is more like trying to take the SATs while tripping on acid. It makes everything more intense, and the highs of success make the devastating crashes of mistakes abysmally worse.

You can't have enough sex for it to wear off. Even if you could, it would take 30 or 40 years of continually working at it. The theory that you can get perspective by putting it behind you somehow, has never been proven in a laboratory. To be sure, I have friends who will tease and say that people who say “sex is no big thing” are getting plenty. At the outset, that appears to bolster a claim that sex is some kind of “big deal.” But upon closer examination, it is really an argument that “when you're getting plenty of sex, it's no big deal.”

Suffice it to say that while sex is not an Olympic event, in can be done badly as well as superlatively. If it's no big deal, you are in shock or jaded, or otherwise not getting the full benefit. That being said, this is not a book about how to have sex.

Remember the third chapter, when Ethan became a Chess Champion and got Emma's best attentions? If Ethan and Emma had consummated the doomed relationship with sex, then every bad lesson they learned, would be associated and re-enforced, with memories of sex. If the sex was great, the bad memories are ground into the consciousness with vivid painful detail. If the sex was mediocre, each secretly wonders if better sex would have solved the problems.

Would you agree with me that regaining objectivity at that point is next to hopeless? Disease and Unwanted pregnancy only make it catastrophically worse. This is as good a time as any to really investigate exactly what we mean.

Chapter Twelve: What's worse, Disease or Pregnancy?

First off, disease means someone was having sex before. Ethan is our hero and must end up with Harper, so Emma has to bite the dust here, by contracting syphilis. Can you imagine any way she doesn't bitterly hate the nameless guy who gave it to her? Now Ethan was an idiot to get carried away and not use a condom, but seriously, who wears those things? When the magical event is just about to go down, Emma had a problem on her hands just like in Chapter 10. As she succumbed to his advances, every sexual response is associated with a self loathing that she doesn't have the courage to tell Ethan she is not currently available. No one particularly blames her, I mean look what he went through, just on the off chance he could gain her favor? Ethan is no virgin... he lost it in the tenth grade to his baby brother's baby sitter, but he hasn't been humping the furniture between lusty encounters. He's been keeping it in his pants, and treating women with respect. Emma just knows that if she puts “love” on hold, it will be the end of the relationship. Maybe he won't get syphilis. Even if he does, maybe he'll understand somehow.

So when does she tell him? “Oh Ethan, look for it to start burning when you urinate in a week or so. I was saving it for a surprise!” “Oh Ethan, I kept meaning to tell you, I want to rub it in your face that you're getting someone else's leavings!” If Emma couldn't screw up the courage to tell a doctor, there is no way Ethan is finding out from her in any way. He has no idea, and when it starts to burn, it doesn't matter who he tells. Dad in the head, straight to a school nurse, or a buddy at a ball game (where Cameron leads the Fighting Cougars to victory.) Whenever and however the realization hits him, in that moment he is belittled and betrayed. Someone else was there, and recently. (It doesn't matter if it was recently or not – the evidence is brand new.) Emma couldn't be bothered to tell him: Does she love this other guy more? Why couldn't she share something like this with him? He feels like he could do chin ups on a sewer grate.

He hates Emma just as much as she hates the guy that gave it to her. Now they are both equal in some ways. They have both been badly betrayed by a member of the opposite sex. The have both been humiliated and had infidelity rubbed in their faces. But chances are, that this common experience is not going to be an experience that leads them both to bond, or share new and more exotic sexually transmitted diseases.

The lessons we went over in Chapter Three, as this relationship dies a horrible death, are etched so indelibly on the brain they may as well be branded there. How much life will pass Ethan by, before he trusts another girl that way? When will Emma ever learn that ALL GUYS are not deserters, who ditch you at the first sign of trouble?

I think we can all agree that sex was a bad idea in this example.

Chapter Thirteen: PREGNANCY!

This is the bad luck chapter, so no point wiping the disease slate clean. Three weeks later, the tide goes out for Emma and doesn't come in again. She's pregnant. She had been so ashamed, that she didn't know how to explain syphilis to Ethan. He found out about her it by the nature of his own case of syphilis, and came back to her to talk it over. (These contrived examples are so easy.) Being a stand-up guy, he had marched her down to the school nurse, and she just finished a course of antibiotics, and now this.

Her thoughts are a smoking engine, racing in neutral. She's got to tell Ethan she’s pregnant, now. How can she possibly tell Ethan? Can they share this discussion without enunciating the dreaded question “Abortion?” Would Ethan want her to keep the baby, or abort it? What kind of man would ever council her to abort a baby? God, why are you doing this to me? Why me and not somebody else? Ethan already despises me. How could I tell him this? Easy: It's HIS baby! It's not my fault; he did this to me. I'm going to call him right now and tell him what for!

The girl who could not bear to share the embarrassment of explaining an STD is no longer the gentle creature that admired the Chess Club President from afar. She has not become a mean, vengeful aggressor, but she has nature's fire of DESPARATION kindled in her belly. There is no deescalating this tension. There is no retreating or moving on. The urgency of her decision cannot be averted.

At this point, if she tells Ethan, he is no longer a stand in for ALL men. He is legally responsible, and there will be no do-overs. An upright guy wouldn’t be in this position, but Ethan is. He can choose to marry her, or pay child support for eighteen years. He can choose to represent his sex badly, and desert. If she decides to get an abortion, the law precludes him over-riding her unilateral decision. If she decides not to, whatever gyrations she puts his brain and emotions through are a mere exercise. He can't make her. Any council he offers to that end is mere weakness of character. His decision not to wear a condom has now become her catastrophic dilemma. If this event catapults her into motherhood, she will likely make a decision never to depend on a man again. Partnership is better than trying to go it alone, and that outcome will hinder her indefinitely from enjoying a healthy loving relationship with Ethan or anybody else.

What she does not know is that if she exercises her prerogative to terminate the pregnancy, the self loathing that she felt as she hid her STD (while Ethan mounted her,) is merely the lapping waves of a sea of despair that she will sail, if she kills her unborn child. True, it will come and go, but she will always wonder what could have happened IF she had taken the other fork in the road. In this way, abortion has two victims: the mother and the baby.

In this example, Emma is not the kind to build a long-term relationship with a guy with whom she realizes she is not really matched. His idea of a date is to hang out at the Zoo and watch them feed the animals all afternoon. She doesn't want to become a mother, and rear a child. She wants a career, as a Financial Consultant. Being an intelligent girl, she makes use of the available social safety nets, and finds out at the counseling center that there is a negative population growth. They council her (this is a contrived example,) that there are psychological penalties to abortion, as well as potential infertility, so she determines to bring the baby to term, and put it up for adoption. This has the built in problems of wanting to know what happened to the child, a legal impossibility. Furthermore, the child may feel that his/her birth mother didn't love him/her... s/he is statistically likely to seek her birth mother out in tortured rejection of her adoptive parents. But then this was an unwanted pregnancy, not the launching of the Space Shuttle. She hopes that s/he will understand that while all other children are the product of nature's necessity, s/he was actually CHOSEN by her adoptive parents, over and above other children, and was sought out, not thrust upon them.

Forget Dating and the “no big deal” of a role in the hay. Ethan is definitely better off never fishing with that kind of worm. Hopefully things will go better with Harper.

Chapter Fourteen: What about the rest of us?

So far we have been peering in on the lives of the Chess Club President, Ethan, Emma, Cameron and Harper. What can be observed so far, is that Emma is pretty, Harper is prettier by some estimation (read Ginger vs Maryann,) Cameron is a prime specimen, and the Chess Club President is smarter (at least as far a Chess goes) than anybody else in the county, with the possible exception of Ethan, our hero. Cameron may be no Chess champion, but he knows how to march an entire football team down the field, under pressure. He has the play book memorized so well he can run through it in his head, to guess which play will outfox the Rattlers, the school rival. Militarily, he practices the element of surprise – when he does not wish to be predictable he is not, AND he has a way with the ladies.

What about those of us who are somewhat more humbly endowed? Some of us are plain, or dumb or both. Some of us are 90 pound weaklings, some of us actually distinguish between Geeks, Phreqs and Nerds. Most would view them as “Think they are smart, but have no clue how to dress or talk, Bill Gates wannabes.” And some of us are, let's face it FAT. In these cases, warnings about the evil dangers of ill advised sex, are rubbing salt in an open wound. Sex for us is about as likely as winning the lottery. The reason it's important to still give it attention is this: If you wait a long time for your one shot, how sad would it be to make the wrong decision, and miss the point of honestly evaluating the person? Emma is good looking, but what if Cameron turns his attention to a girl with fewer alternatives. Can she think any more clearly than Emma did? Does his temporary attention (to something other than appearances,) mean she has to accede to his wishes? That's a lot of estrogen pumping while she tries to make heads or tails of his behavior.

Hopefully we have learned something already, by looking in on the stylized cream of the crop, but is there more to be said.

Again: What is said here, is an attempt to improve communication between real people. No box will understand a person. Predicting behavior is not the achievement we sometimes make it out to be. I can tell you at a glance whether the Chairman of the Federal Reserve is carrying one or two brief cases, but I couldn't possibly perform the analysis necessary, to determine whether interest rates should go up or down, or by how much. That being said, here goes:

Chapter Fifteen: Don't we have any feelings?

Let's look at Emma and Harper, from the point of view of other girls. Every guy in class passes them over to talk to Harper and Emma. Does this make Emma and Harper popular? No. The appear to be popular, but other girls in the class are conflicted. It's not good to be jealous, but it's not fair to be passed over, either. How do they treat Harper and Emma fairly in that context? It completely jams up their system of judgment, and co-incidentally opens everyone up to derogatory comments: “She is unfair!” It doesn't matter how hard she tried to be fair, or even how fair she actually IS. She is accused despite her best efforts. I'm sure I don't have to list pejoratives. This is all piled on top of being less physically attractive, to start with. It should also be observed that in the experience, of these girls, “All Men” only look at appearances, and run straight to Emma and Harper.

The news that these girls that are not Emma and Harper, is actually good news, not bad news!. The good fortune that Emma and Harper enjoy, is not without thorny problems. The attention the boys in the class bestow on Emma and Harper alienates them from heartfelt friendship.

If three guys ask you out, you can date them one at a time, and determine whom you like best. If seven come calling, you can suppose that you are enjoying more choices. Emma and Harper are faced with sieving through EVERYBODY. In this situation, how do you avoid being called a SLUT anyway? Or consider their misfortune if they should move on from a good match, only to discover that he was a good choice. Can either of them, in effect “going back,” to that One Special Guy. Their generous allotment of choices has now resulted in TOO MANY CHOICES. Furthermore, Emma and Harper will be every bit as bitter that “All Men” only look at appearances – nobody loves them for who they are.

To understand how this is good news to every other girl in the class, we have to understand that a selective process is at work. If you were looking for a guy that did not judge solely on appearances, Emma and Harper just became lighting rod's, drawing away most of the guy's you don't care anything about.

On balance, Emma and Harper may wait a long time for a guy to show up that loves them for who they truly are. There exists an algebra that says their lot is equally as unpalatable as that of everyone else. I'm not saying feel sorry for them, but take the world as it is, and count your blessings.  

Chapter Sixteen: What exactly are we looking for?

Guys: I just addressed the girls alone, for an entire chapter. Now it's just us, get a clue. Ask somebody out besides Emma and Harper. Demonstrate leadership. You become more than the sum of your parts if you have direction. If you don't have direction, ask yourself, “Why?” What goals do you really have? How are you moving to accomplish these?

Cameron appears to be on a path to become an NFL star. The reason the Chess Club President is not attractive, is that a girl sees chess as an advertisement that he will be competing with her intellectually. Competition is only fun if it's friendly. It can spur one to greater accomplishment, but Chess competition, makes it appear that every little thing will be a, “knock down, drag out,” war. Gary Kasparov was World Chess Champion for many years. But at the age of 41, he had to quit competitive chess to marry, and go into politics.

OK, Girls you can listen in again. I can't tell everyone what Guys are looking for, so much as I can talk about unreasonable ideals.

The unreasonable ideal that is usually set for us, is something like this: Shoot for someone who is on par with you in the appearances department. Shoot for someone with similar financial prospects. And finally try to match intellects. Now do all three at once.

Randomly observing, I think people match up by financial prospects first, then within that group, test for matching looks. If intellects match, it's just a bonus.

I hope you can see that this doesn't leave a lot of room to measure character, and I am coaching you to buck the “system.” I suppose that the guys in the Chess Club took a look at financial prospects and said, I'm gonna lick that system with intellect – “looks” be damned. If you're wondering if Chess represents too much intellectual competition, spend a little time finding out. I am not so naive as to think they could tell you, if you put it to them as a question, but get them away from the group, and shoot the breeze; see where the conversation takes you.

Finally, what does it mean to, “have things in common?” By application, it means “Left to your own devices, would you two choose to be in such differing circumstances, that you are not likely to get along?” If He wants to be designing computer chips is Silicon Valley and She wants to be a Party Planner, things are not so different as they look. He can start a business, and she can plan his business get-togethers. She can even make it a for-profit activity, by starting a party planning business in the city. But on a first date, what are they going to talk about? Clearly not how to design computer chips or plan parties. At this point, it is handy to share an interest in Show Horses or Music. Having common interests does not mean agreeing about everything so much, that you are “two peas in a pod.” Disagreements are opportunities to show identity and character. If they were evidence that all future efforts to be friends are instantly doomed, for all eternity, then what would be left to talk about? Remember, if you can predict what I am going to say, you needn't ask it.

What do I mean by similar financial prospects? Party Planners and Computer Engineers don't make the same income, yet nothing appears to be standing in their way. Paint this picture. He is from Old Money back East, and she is from Old Money back East, and they meet at an Ivy League School. No brainer; she just happens to want to be a Party Planner.

Suppose instead we paint a different picture. His Dad is a computer programmer, and her Dad's a truck driver. They meet at State School. Still OK. But if she is from Old Money back East, and his dad is a mere Computer Programmer, his motives are automatically suspect. He might only be interested in her for her money. Even if his Dad is nouveau riche, and her Dad's a trucker, it still is a long shot. That is what I mean about similar financial prospects.

Chapter Seventeen: What about “Fat People?”

Ask Hollywood: There is no ugly in the United States of America that is so hard to shake as being overweight. While Americans may be intellectually aware that a bad pituitary gland can do this as easily as being lazy, let's face it; there are at least as many lazy fat people, as lazy thin people. Lazy people exist. The rest of the fat people are expected to show a diligent identity by some means, and any verbal explanation gets written off as a crutch, by the third time you hear it.

So let's do a reality check: Cameron, our football player may always be “in a relationship,” but he will still face the age old question “What have you done for me lately?” As a calorically empowered Americans, we will face the same question, just more often. So, whatever arena you choose to show diligence in, remember that resting on our laurels is every bit as dangerous for a fat person, as for a CEO. The Olympic Wreath is merely a garnishment at any time... never give it time to wilt.

That being said, it is not impossible to do something about it. First off, look at a statistic. Without allowing for Christmastime gains, and the “Freshman fifteen” in college, even the best looking of us tend to gain a pound a year. From 20 years old to 50 years old, that's thirty pounds. Looking at someone who started out weighing 180 (and needing to weigh 165.) Adding 30 pounds puts him/her at 210. I'm suggesting that you make a determined decision to do better than that, and don't lose sight of it. OK, now you've got those thin people in your sights, let's talk about how that can be done.

• Consider hiring a nutritionist. This is a more sure way to count calories than any other mechanism. A diabetic diet is a very good way to lose weight, and a nutritionist will make sure your vitamins and phyto-chemicals (found in vegetables) are kept well rounded. If that is not an available solution, try keeping a food diary for at least a week. It will make you more thoroughly aware of exactly what you ARE consuming. The more detailed you are, the more benefit you will likely realize. The object of the exercise is to break any cycle of absentminded eating.
• Fight complacency: As you lose weight, there comes a point when you want to relax and say “I’ve done enough.” As such set achievable goals. At most weights, 10% of your body weight represents an achievable goal. If it is necessary to reward yourself (I know I want to,) make that weight the breakpoint at which you reward yourself with a non-food reward; new cloths are an excellent investment. They will keep you in line, too, by enforcing a good fit.
• Soda has more sugar in it than a sweet Iced Tea, and is usually sweetened with high fructose corn syrup. This has been accused of slowing the body’s metabolism in print, and so, can aggravate a weight problem. Don't hydrate with soda. If you are thirsty, drink water. Soda is a bad investment of your income; the money you save can ease a straitened budget. As you lose weight, you will be able to tell when you crave sugar. Your sugar intake elevates your metabolism slightly at the time, but also falls off sharply, based on what is called the Glycemic Index. Pure cane sugar is a 100 on the Glycemic Index scale. Sugars that enter your blood stream more slowly, have a lower Glycemic, and sugars that enter your bloodstream have a higher Glycemic Index. As such, you can learn to break a “sugar crashing cycle,” by using slower digesting sugars. In Closing: remember to hydrate with water. Many times when we think we are hungry, when we are only thirsty.
• If you are trying to lose weight, it makes sense to start your metabolism early in the day. That way, your body burns calories all day long. As such the time of day to exercise, is in the morning. Shift work is against the circadian rhythms, and requires special attention.
• The Cheapest food is also fattening food. A blessing we enjoy in this land of plenty is that Economy of Scale, and Comparative Advantage, have been employed to make rich foods cheap. Honey, Whole Milk, Hamburgers etc. are all available in such plenty, that our standard of living has rendered them cheap. The portions are accentuated to improve Economy of Scale, not nourish a healthy lifestyle. As such, delayed gratification is our best defense. When you buy a hamburger, smell the scent, and enjoy the anticipation of it. However, if you delay gratification by taking it home, or to a break room eat it, it defeats bias in choosing.
• Finally, we traditionally eat three times a day. When we try to lose weight, many of us cut that down. In fact, the reason we put on weight in the US of A in that our portions are too large. Snacking on fruit and fresh vegetables between meals, can keep your metabolism busy.
• Remember: even when we eat a perfectly balanced diet, we STILL have to keep our portions under control.

Chapter Eighteen: Back to Harper and the Chess Club President.

Sour Grapes examined.

In Chapter Nine, Harper gave her number to the Chess Club President, secure in the knowledge that he would be sensible and use it for friendly reasons. He did not. He called her all the time, and did not understand that she was not romantically interested. This is a predicament girls find themselves in on a regular basis. Recall if you will that she never had sex with the Chess Club President? What on earth can she do? Since we are contriving examples, let’s contrive this one: Harper has some girl friends that are equally single. She owes them little allegiance, and she would like to purchase some goodwill. Her strategy is not without cost, but not without benefit for all concerned. She chooses a friend she thinks would like the Chess Club President, and tells her about how great he is in the sack. Here we observe that forbidden fruit is often the most alluring, and someone else's forbidden fruit is often more tempting than our own. It almost doesn’t matter what her friend does about it. If her friend sets her cap for the Chess Club President, she has only one competitor: Harper who just betrayed him to her. If she tells others, the Chess Club champion gets a reputation for promiscuity that pays him back for being rude, if he is a prude. If he is not a prude, the reputation breaks the ice for him in future. Eventually someone will “fall on that grenade.”

All of us have a friend somewhere who speaks of the experience of having sex as relaxing. It doesn’t take away the accusation of hypocrisy, but it does take the offending “goody goody two shoes” down a peg, right? Just in case you are among the good goody two shoes community… acetaminophen will relax you. It is an analgesic, which means a muscle relaxant, and you can buy it over the counter at the pharmacy. It is different from ibuprofen, which is an anti-inflammatory. If you overdose on ibuprofen, it is under a doctor’s instruction and causes bleeding. However overdosing on acetaminophen causes liver damage. Next to your heart, your liver is your most important organ, so don’t exceed dosing instructions. Acetaminophen is a secret ingredient of the Heroin concoction we call “cheese,” and liver damage is why people die from it. If you want to learn about addiction try contracting with a friend for neither of you to masturbate for lent, like the movie, “40 Days and 40 Nights.” Win, lose or draw, it WILL teach you something about addiction. After that you will not be in such a hurry to try Heroin. If Heroin is your solution to the problem, take a hint from me – pre-marital sex with all its pitfalls isn’t as bad for you as Heroin.  

Chapter Nineteen: Cameron, Harper, and Jealousy.

Harper is still looking for a Vet, but her next date is with Cameron, Captain of the Cougars’ football team. He is doing well in his business classes. He was interested because she was said to be a “baller,” or one who will “put out.” This was unavoidable because of what she said about the Chess Club President. It also represents Harper fishing with unfamiliar bait (remember chapter one?) As such, she has caught a different kind of fish, and should investigate how well she likes it. Harper shares the truth with Cameron, who believes her. There can be guys who will not believe her, and think it is a ploy to keep them out of her otherwise sexually active pants. However, Cameron does not think she is lying; he understands that the Chess man was being an ass.

Truth is the first casualty of war, and this IS the war between the sexes. Cameron turns out to be a different kind of guy. When it comes to other guys, he wants to be sure he is not smothering her, and gives her all kinds of latitude even though he considers them to be dating couple. Harper unfortunately comes to an all too familiar conclusion: She concludes that Cameron doesn’t care about her. If he cared, she reasons, he would be jealous. She is correct in her syllogism. If a guy cares, he will be jealous. As a result, by tautology, if he is not jealous he does not care. In point of fact he is painfully jealous and overcompensating. Cameron needs Harper to know that he can be jealous, and Harper needs understand that he is not “pimping her out.” In this case, the only people who understand are reading the book. Cameron and Harper have a fight, and Cameron’s last act in Harper’s best interest is to introduce her to Ethan.    

Chapter Twenty: Happily ever after.

Ethan and Harper.

On his eventual date with Harper, Ethan doesn’t talk excessively about the mechanics of dating. To him it is not like crossing deepest darkest Africa, in a Toyota Land Cruiser; every mud-hole is not an invitation to hold forth on the various philosophies of “digging out,” with a discourse on the pros and cons of each method. That is for tea-time in Tipperary, and he can regale his children with the stories of his exploits later, when time comes.

To have a good date, you need to talk about matters of substance. If you can't talk about matters of substance, take a moment and consider what that means. If there is nothing in the brain box, what are you selling? You need to have a character to be investigated, and your opinions are a reflection of that character, but not the substance of it. Read the news. Ask questions about the opinions of your date. If you have nothing to say, READ A BOOK. That's why we learn to do so, in grade school. If you date has nothing to say, they are at another step in the road to maturity. Be kind, and move on. If all else fails, and you just can't abide the whole mess, but you are convinced that you have something useful and valid to offer, WRITE A BOOK and try to change the system. I know I did.

Harper, of course, is delighted with Ethan’s high school frog breeding experiment, and he is fascinated in return, with the idea of spending weekend dates at the Zoo, feeding the animals. Harper finds that Ethan didn't know that the sex of alligators is determined by their hatching temperature, and they begin to have a wonderful discussion with each other. True they will need to know where each other stand on budgeting, and geographical locations (remember Komodo Island? Harper doesn’t necessarily want to go there!) But these things will come up naturally, given time. They will start in small matters (where do you want to go to the movie?) and as Ethan and Harper get to know each other, they will decide that their love is written in the stars.

Cameron and Emma.

Cameron and Emma hook up after a successful high school game, and she continues to cheer him on, to a winning season. Cameron’s had migrated north from her middle thigh, and Emma told him he was going nowhere without a condom. He stopped, thereby gaining her respect.

This is not a book on marriage. It is a book on how to date. I wish you all the best… go get ‘em.