Preface:

Preface: 

 Most of us already know that when we drink soda, we can start a caffeine/sugar crash cycle. The sugar rush produces a temporary high, but when the stimulation wears off, we seek a never ending repetition of that buzz. This book is written on the theory that “self help” books produce a similar cycle. This book is for self help, but is intended to break that cycle. Most audiences can benefit from one area or another, but it is not intended as an ephemeral euphoria. Rather, the satisfaction of a balanced meal, prepared by someone else, who has already counted all the calories. As such, humor will be the salt that seasons the various chapters, but you are expected to eat your vegetables... it's not a Vegas Dessert Buffet.  

Ethan and Emma Teach Dating.

Chapter One: How to fish:

A young man was out in the wilderness, and starving. As he stumbled along he came upon an old man sitting by the lake, chewing on a leathery piece of jerky. The young man was famished, and asked the old man, “Are there fish in the lake?”

“Oh yes, lots of them.”

“Well, do you not know how to fish?”

“Oh yes, I certainly do!”

“Well are we lacking a hook?”

“Oh no, I have bait and tackle, and all you could want over there in my cabin.”

“So why are you chewing on that leathery piece of jerky, when you could be feasting on fresh fish?” asked the young man.

“Well,” replied the old man, “There is a reason, if you really want to know.”

The young man assured him he was dying for some fish, and really wanted to know. “When I was a young man, I came upon a parchment, telling you how to fish. It specified exactly the hook to use, exactly the bait to use, exactly how heavy a line, and what color. Not only this, but it explained the best weather, the ideal time of day, and just where in the lake to put down a line. It told where the best logs were that the fish use for cover, and the best backwaters. It showed how to fillet the fish, and what kind of fire to cook it over. So I took the advice, and began to fish.”

“Well, did you catch anything?” came the query.

“Not only did I catch fish, I caught them all over the place. I caught 5 and 6 an hour. I had so many fish I didn’t know what to do with them all.”

“So you’re trying to tell me you’re sick of fish, is that it?”

“On the contrary, I love a good Striper, but with this parchment, all I ever caught were Carp”

Moral:

If we don’t like the fish we are catching, should we

A: Learn to like the kind of fish we have been catching?

B: Learn to fish differently?

We want to understand that in the analysis, the opposite sex is the fish, and each of us as an individual is fishing for a lasting relationship.

Leaving aside that a really hungry person will simply get a net (and ladies, fishnet's WILL do it for a one night stand,) most of us are willing to play a numbers game to a degree, with the incentive of stability and happiness as our final destination.

Chapter Two: What step am I ready for?

The problem with categorizing everyone is that it leads to pigeon hole thinking. B.F Skinner was the father of Behavioral Psychology. He used an apparatus called a Skinner Box to train animals. Rather than try to stuff you in a Skinner Box, I'll assert that as we mature we go through more than one stage of development. I will not pretend to offer an exhaustive list, but rather list as many as I can account for, and agree that people at large try them in the order that they think of them, not in some programmatic tier system.

Lastly, there is no final state or “box” of maturity, so that anyone can just jump to the end, and be instantly mature. This book is to help us all think more clearly about the problems we face at our various levels of development.

Chapter Three: Copycat Identity.

We all usually start off agreeing with some form of peer pressure. Whether the influence of our chosen peer group is beneficial or destructive, we start off using someone else's value system. Use drugs, rebel, conform, lead, follow, doctors, lawyers, politicians, plumbers, we all start off seeking to experimentally verify where we are happiest. So consider this set first:

Let's contrive a very unlikely example. Ethan sees that Emma is very beautiful. Finding that the object of her affection is the President of the Chess club, Ethan joins the Chess club, reads Kasparov, competes like a demon, and wins the county Chess King tournament. His over-awed peers elect him President of the Chess Club. Emma, being predictable, because this is just an example, succumbs to his advances and we have Nirvana – Boy gets Girl. I know we are all laughing, but this is the stylized result that Ethan envisions. The point we all miss is that the kiss at the end of the movie is only the start of the relationship. Up to this point, Ethan had a goal: Become President of the Chess Club/Win Emma's affections.

Consider Ethan's situation first: Victorious though he may be, he is automatically insecure. Even in this ideal world, he is not going to become World Chess King. Worse yet, he doesn't WANT to. He finds that Emma is in love with someone he is not, and as beautiful as Emma is, he discovers that he is not in love with who she is. She has become a trophy. He loses county Chess King next time around, and Emma discovers that he is mortally fallible.

And what of Emma's part? She cannot believe that she has been “deceived” by a man who claims to be a Chess Champion, but all he ever really wanted to be was a Vet! It is academic who dumps who.

Consider what opinions of the opposite sex have been re-enforced. Ethan has “learned” that there is no point changing to please a girl. He has “learned” that “All Girls” don't love you for who you are. Emma has “learned” “All Men” will do anything as long as they are in pursuit, but don't really want to be “in a relationship.” Furthermore, “All Men” want her only for her looks.

This would be bad enough if Ethan and Emma met their ideal mate the very next time they ventured “out there.” BUT when Cameron shows up to try and win Emma's affections, he has a very negative stereotype to overcome. Neither is Ethan particularly kind to Harper. Harper loves animals, and thinks Vets are the unsung heroes of the New Millennium. Ethan thinks it's an act, and is skeptical. Harper feels like he doesn't trust her, and therefore doesn't love her. Harper finally concludes that he is more in love with her looks than her character and although he really thinks she's prettier than Emma, it ends up not mattering.

The point is this: Preconceptions are self fulfilling. Multiply this out by many years, and factor in that relationships are less commonplace than Untested Crushes, (these last remaining unchallenged by reality,) and it is a marvel that Cross-Gender relations, (admittedly bad,) are not worse to than they actually are.

Recapitulating, we recall that Ethan modified his identity to obtain Emma's affections.  

Chapter Four: The Unique Identifier.

Imagine, instead, that we start off determining that we will be completely unique, and similar to no one. One aspect of this is dress. Mohawk haircuts, tattoos, piercings and the grunge look have been past manifestations of this kind of “counter culture.” This can result in a person seeking out odd talents, or pursuing excellence in arcane fields, all in an attempt to have an identity that cannot be compromised. Implied by this choice, is the good observation that “looks” are not everything, and one should not be judged strictly by outward appearances.

Let's say that Ethan has become this unique character, and Emma is attracted. If she is from a conformist peer group, her hopes are doomed. But if she is equally individual, Ethan and Emma are threatened by paradox. They have unique appearance and identity in common. Although they are individual, they have individuality in common. They form a peer group of two! Unfortunately this may be the ONLY thing they have in common. Attempts to maintain identity end up offending all compromise, and any relationship cannot last. They cannot be “together” and “distinct” at the same time.

Chapter Five: Identity and Predictability, Nature versus Nurture.

This should lead naturally into a discussion of “What exactly make's someone unique?” Unique has been so overused in the media that it is now commonly used as a comparative. Yet people are no more identical than fingerprints. How can we resolve this, with apparent similarities, and occasional copy-cat behavior? Consider that, from birth, our character is the accumulation of our decisions or choices. If a parent disciplines us, and we agree, then we begin to implement that decision in our own affairs. If we disagree, we resolve never to discipline our own children in that way. How to drive, what to eat, where to go, with whom to associate, when to act: The “whys” of how we do things. I learned from a psychiatrist that this is how we build our “sense of self.” This actually addresses the age old question of Nature versus Nurture is a unique way.

If the combinations and permutations of these were not enough, we change our minds at intervals that, while not random from the point of view of stimulus, are not readily predictable by any pattern. For example, “I'm sick of blue sweaters. Blue is no longer my favorite color!” When these things are taken into consideration, even “GI Joes,” military personnel who all wear size 10 shoes, and have names starting with “N” are still different enough in personality that it boggles the mind. We are all very different. Why do we feel like we are the same?

A more interesting question we could ask is this: “Do I mind being predictable?” Most of us just can't stand it. Some of us don't care that much, but they are in the minority. The Chairman of the Federal Reserve is at pains to be predictable so that the Stock Market doesn't do anything crazy. And yet no one on Wall Street would presume to predict what color his socks will be on any given day.

The flip side to that coin is that militarily the element of surprise is invaluable. We carry this over into everyday life in small ways: We think “If you don't know what I'm going to say, then I can win an argument.” If no one knows how I am going to spend my money then I should be able to get a better deal. Are these things really true?

Surprisingly enough, mostly NO! If you agreed instantly, I would not need to say “surprisingly!” However: If you know what I am going to say, you needn't ask.

If enough people buy VW Beetles, VW beetles are dirt cheap. Not very individual, but still dirt cheap.

If being predictable works out well for us, why are we at such pains to be different?  

Chapter Six: Predicting Vs Predictability

To understand why we do not want to be “predictable” we can usefully investigate our own ability to predict. What if you could predict what the questions on next week's Biology test would be? What if you could predict when Zebras would be on sale in South Africa? What if you could predict who would win the NBA finals? What if you could predict where a lost child would be found?

Clearly this predicting stuff is great... we need to bottle this stuff and sell it! There is a flawed logic that says: If predicting others is good for me and gives me an edge/advantage, then being predicted by others must not be good for me.

Let's think it through: If students can predict questions on a test, it defeats the purpose of testing. In reality, if you know the material, any set of questions is OK. The teacher is just spot checking you. Secretly the teacher wants you to do well, she just doesn't want you to cheat. If you know when Zebras will be on sale, you will show up exactly then, and I can't sell them for as much. In point of fact, you can get the best price on Zebras right around Christmas time... they make lousy Christmas presents, and Zoos are not much patronized at that time of year. If you could predict who would win the NBA finals, everyone could predict it. There would be no point in gambling on it. As for predicting where a lost child would be found? The child is not bent on being un-predictable – that would be hiding. This child is lost and if he were predictable, he would benefit tremendously by being found.

Having established then that predictability is not all bad, it remains the case that most of us dislike our character being anticipated. Why don't we like it?

Calling for a trumpet flourish and a drum roll...

People do not like to be predicted because they think it makes them look simple.

I didn't capitalize it because I wanted you to read the other stuff, not just skip down to this part. But it's IMPORTANT, so I decided to put it in it's own paragraph. Keep in mind that even stupid people are complicated. But we – and please pay attention to my word - “ASSOCIATE” simplicity with stupidity. The aforementioned Chairman of the Federal Reserve is certainly not stupid. He is taking many factors into account, and carefully weighing many possible outcomes. And yet careful observation has shown, that if he carries two brief cases to his nig meeting, interest rates are going up!

Chapter Seven: Back to Ethan and Emma.

Reviewing, we talked about what happens to Ethan and Emma, if Ethan employs copy-cat behavior, in winning her affections. Now we will surmise about what happens if he tries to be absolutely unique. You will recall that Emma was in love with the President of the Chess Club when Ethan determined that he wanted to be her sweetheart.

Having wisely avoided a Mohawk haircut, he has put on his best shirt and tie, and walks up to her and blurts out, “I want to be a world class marine Biologist, and study Evolution on Komodo Island. Will you go bowling with me on Friday night?”

Emma takes one look at him and evaluates him as a predictable simpleton, and says “No thanks. Ask somebody else.”

Ethan is shattered, and glumly proceeds to drown his sorrows in Grape Nehi, bewailing the injustice of how “All Women” treat “All Men.” As far as Ethan is concerned, this is utter failure, and the very worst thing that could have happened. In reality, going by our previous example, Ethan has saved months of time and a broken heart, and has ended up with exactly the same result. He now knows that Emma isn't interested, at this time. This is the best thing that could have happened to Ethan, as long as he is still a friendly person when Harper comes along.

Looking back over our “disaster,” we see that Ethan certainly did not sell himself short, but embellished the truth a little. He doesn't want to study Evolution on Komodo Island any more than he wants to be World Chess Champion! It is simply the highest possible goal of a Vet's career.

Meanwhile Emma didn't really make out like a bandit: (she stole no hearts today.) The Chess Club President hasn't asked her out yet, and she missed out on a chance to honestly evaluate if she likes Ethan at all. Double entendre if you must. As far as she can see, All Chess Club Presidents never ask anyone out!

Chapter Eight: All and Never!

So far, we have made some natural and commonly occurring observations intentionally, because they are natural, and occur commonly, BUT THEY ARE WRONG.

Every time so far that Ethan or Emma have made a conclusion about the opposite sex, they have concluded this to be true for ALL OF THEM! Looking back to a moment ago, Chess Club Presidents never ask ANYONE out. What happens then if he asks Harper out? Then it's even worse, and Harper is her sworn enemy, presumably because she exists only to steal ALL Chess Club Presidents away from Emma.

To remind you, Harper thinks Vets are the Unsung Heroes of the New Millennium, and only accepted a date with the Chess Club President because she didn't know Ethan.

Chapter Nine: Harper and the Chess Club President.

Let's contrive another very unlikely example: Harper's heart has NEVER been broken, and the Chess Club President plays ALL his cards right. They share a perfect candle lit dinner at McDonald's and discuss world affairs, and the way the third lane at the bowling alley tends to curve left, making it easier to get strikes.

In an unguarded moment he shares with her his secret passion for Computer Network Interface Cards, and how he wants to eventually become the sole provider of Network Interface Cards on the West Coast, including Silicon Valley in the South, and Microsoft in Seattle, Washington, in the North. Well, this presents Harper with a terrible dilemma. How does she let him down easy?

Fortunately for us, this example is unlikely and contrived: Harper is hit with a brainstorm. She is honest with Mr. Chess Club President, in the following fashion. She tells him that he has been nicer to her than any Chess Club President ever before, and she had a perfectly wonderful time at McDonald's, but Network Interface Cards mean absolutely nothing to her. She would rather watch baby Alligators break out of their shell at the Zoo, and give immunization shots to the Rocky Mountain Billy Goats. BUT she doesn't quit there. She gives him her REAL telephone number, safe in supposing he probably won't use it, and tells him it would be fun to get together now and then, but not seriously. She kisses him goodnight, and is pleasantly surprised to find that he doesn't smoke. End of Example.

In real life, a Chess Club President would probably be her slave for life at this point. 15 years from now, when she needs 50,000 NIC cards for all the Zoos in Africa where she is working as head Zoologist, he will move heaven and earth to have them there for her at bottom dollar.

But allowing for the pitiful dating life of the average Chess Club President, Harper's problem is about to become very thorny indeed. He DOES use the phone number. REPEATEDLY. Every time he can't get a date, she is his under-valued fall back. Ethan doesn't know it isn't serious, and she becomes “marked territory.” The Chess Club President becomes a sort of “Dating nightmare” to Harper. This is a terrible situation for Harper, but also not the desired result for the Chess Club President. If he doesn't move on, he'll never find out if Emma deeply yearns for a future Network Card King, and time isn't waiting for either of them. To his great misfortune, Cameron, who is the Captain of the Football Team, makes his move on Emma while Ethan is otherwise occupied.

Up to this point, let's just be sorry for Harper, and remember that she has been a perfect friend to everybody so far.